Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.