bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.