[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.