Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him