Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.