My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.