Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people