If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.