Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”