I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.