Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you