I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I found your tweet-up…
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor