WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”