The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.