I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all