Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!