[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…