My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken