-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.