*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.