When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence