Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?