NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
New Tinder profile.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.