My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.