[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
New Tinder profile.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house