It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?