[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.