Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.