[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in