I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?