Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I found your tweet-up…
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.