By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I found your tweet-up…
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know