By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.