WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
What do you hear?
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life