when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?