{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]