[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker