*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it