Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Lmao the reply
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?