Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME