Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs