King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.