[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.