[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”