Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*