*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
#Thanos #MondayMood
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table