I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.
I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.