I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
Leftovers are for quitters!
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
This poor dog
My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.
“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
Time to indulge in my favorite Thanksgiving tradition: Betting half of my life savings on the pug to win the National Dog Show on FanDuel and then storming off before dinner when I lose
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are