My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…