I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.